How are you holding up these days? How are you holding steady? We’re in a noisy world right now, and we’re all feeling the buffeting winds, no matter where we might stand with our perspectives and beliefs. Change is blowing, and I’m not sure anyone is completely unaffected by it. How is it affecting you? For myself, this is a difficult time to stay grounded in “what is.” What is true right now, in my sphere of reality? This is different from “what might happen in the future,” or “what am I thinking about from the past.” Staying grounded in the “what is” is realigning with the sphere of reality that we each are currently experiencing, and beyond that (and here’s the kicker!) allowing that to be true. In Buddhism, the mindset that remains peaceful during turmoil is referred to as ‘equanimity’, but for this blog I’ll use a more active word: ‘acceptance.’ How can we engage in active acceptance these days, especially if we do NOT accept what’s happening in the world around us? Let’s talk a bit about what active acceptance is and what it isn’t.
I’ll tell you right now that active acceptance is NOT passive. It is not about rolling over or giving a thumbs-up to something dangerous. It is not the same thing as shrugging and saying “oh well, I guess I better just accept this.” In the same way that forgiveness isn’t about approval, active acceptance is not about acquiescence. Active acceptance requires effort!
Active acceptance is a starting point. It’s a specific mental effort to not resist or deny what is happening around us. This 2014 study, published here from PubMed, defines acceptance (or equanimity) as “an even-minded mental state or dispositional tendency toward all experiences or objects, regardless of their origin or their affective valence (pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral).” If you’re interested in the Buddhist approach to equanimity, check out this article from Sharon Salzberg.
My definition of active acceptance consists of a recognition of our emotional reaction to something and how that affects our dealing with it.
For example, say that someone you love is dying. How can there possibly be active acceptance of something so painful? This is a very valid question.
Here’s the thing: active acceptance isn’t about whether or not you want something to happen. If a loved one is dying, it’s absolutely natural to be in pain and to struggle with your emotions about it. It’s the struggle that active acceptance addresses. That’s where I’m suggesting that you put your attention!
Be it the imminent death of a loved one or government actions that alarm you, the upsetting event is already underway. If we, as participants in our own realities, resist that reality, it’s even more painful. Beyond that, it’s really, really hard to move forward in a grounded, measured way.
And that’s the trick! How can we truly accept that reality is reality without collapsing into it? THAT is active acceptance. THAT is where we come into relationship with our emotions and reactions to 1) best understand ourselves and our challenges, and 2) decide in a realistic, sustainable way how we want to move forward and act in response to the reality that surrounds us.
Basically, if what we’re thinking boils down to “I do not want things to be this way,“ that’s a great time to pause and recognize that there is a lack of acceptance that is disrupting our ability to process. If what we’re actually fighting against is our unhappiness about an event, then it’s hard to effectively engage with the event. This is the perfect time to pause, rephrase that unhappiness, and dig deeper to support ourselves. Here are some good starting places for rephrasing:
“What is happening right now scares me to death. I’m so afraid that _______________.”
“We are at a pivotal point in history. It makes me feel ____________.”
“I’m really struggling with what I’m afraid is going to happen. It’s showing up in my system as ____________”
All of these statements acknowledge the reality that surrounds us. This serves to bring attention back to ourselves and the truth of what we’re experiencing. We don’t have complete control over the world around us, but if we start by tending to our inner landscape, we can then better tend to being in service to those around us.
This is what I mean by active acceptance. It’s about stopping the fight with our own inner struggle, grounding ourselves in our inner experience, and then moving forward in a grounded, sustainable way.
Now that’s brave action!
Don’t I make this sound easy? Like so many other practices, it sounds easy but takes a lot of time, self-compassion, and ideally, wise guidance. If you think it might be a help to you, I’m here. Please feel free to schedule a 20 minute, complementary consultation with me. It’s a great time to chat, share your needs, and see if you feel that we’d be a good fit in working together. You can also find me at coachbekooy.com.
And please note! After three years of never increasing my coaching fees, I find myself in the unfortunate position of needing to do so. Starting in May, my fees will be increasing by $10 per session. This means that Foundations Sessions (60 minute) sessions will go from $115 to $125, regular coaching sessions (50 minute) will go from $95 to $105, and the 30-minute check-in sessions will go from $60 to $70.
Now might be a great time to book some sessions! If you’re interested in beginning coaching with me, I’m offering a package of four appointments (One Foundation, three regular, 50 minute coaching sessions) at the current price (total price: $400). If you’re already a client, you can get four regular coaching sessions for $380. Let me know if this is interesting to you by emailing me at [email protected]. Let’s book some sessions at the current price and we can schedule them for a time that works for you. I’m looking forward to talking with you!
