Last week I wrote a blog post on my other website (you can find it here), and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about a quote I used from Jesuit priest and psychotherapist, Anthony de Mello: “Look for things in them that you might have missed because of familiarity, for familiarity breeds staleness, blindness, and boredom. You cannot love what you cannot see afresh. You cannot love what you are not constantly discovering anew.” This struck me as very powerful on a number of levels. As friends, partners, parents, or coworkers, how often do we look at others with fresh eyes? With eyes that are unburdened by past experience, by reputation, or by presumption? And what about other areas of our lives outside of relationships? When we think of our roles in life, be it career, parenting, creativity, or activism, how stale are our points of view? Does this staleness color our feelings and our actions? What does it mean to refresh our perspective?
In Theravada Buddhism, there is the idea of “not creating someone.” This applies to de Mello’s quote, for it calls for us to question all that we bring into an interaction. Any time we make an assumption about a person, an event or a plan, we are actually creating it in our minds. This means that there’s less room for the actual experience. It’s a heck of an exercise to catch ourselves in this, and a real experience when we can stop ourselves and be happily surprised by what we see afresh. When we set down our defensive response of assuming we refresh the perspective, which makes space for newness in the interaction.
You might notice that I said “defensive response.” By this I mean that assumptions are usually used as a protective measure. If we have already decided that someone can’t be trusted they can’t pull one over on us, right? Yes, maybe, but what if our assumption was wrong? What do we make ourselves blind to in that situation? If we’re so sure that our coworkers secretly don’t like us; how does that color how we feel about going to work? How does it change how we interact with them? What changes when we refresh that perspective and set down our assumptions? Does that change how we relate to that experience?
Of course, there are times when we need to protect ourselves. This (in my mind) goes without saying. There are actions that destroy trust between people, there are bosses that treat employees with disrespect, and there are plenty of ways we need to keep ourselves safe in this world, both physically and emotionally. When you need to protect yourself, please do so and get the support you need to maintain your safety.
But in different situations, how can you set yourself free by refreshing the perspective? If you have to have a discussion with someone that is difficult for you, what happens if you decide to set aside the presumptions you have about them and have that conversation with a fresh mind? Bias comes in many forms, and we all have it. All of us. Where might yours be?
It might be more subtle than having bias against a race, religion, orientation, or identity. What if, as a parent, you have trouble seeing the evolution of your changing child? Just because they’ve done something for the last several years, are they still locked into that? Or are you assuming that they are? Can you see them anew? Can you be delighted by what they’re actually showing you?
What if, in your career, you no longer see the benefit in your work? What happens if you actively seek out new aspects of what you do and who you work with?
And what about your partner? Do you look at them and see the same old frustrations? What happens if you refresh the perspective and look at them with curiosity?
Ultimately, refreshing the perspective creates space. What newness comes in to fill that space? The whole point of “not creating” someone in our minds is that we don’t fill that space with our assumptions. There is space for them to surprise us, be it with a small act of kindness, more depth than we anticipated, or wisdom we didn’t want to acknowledge that they had. Even if we acknowledge this surprise begrudgingly, a door has opened, and on the other side of that door as a newer, fresher kind of love. If we can tap into that, then we have truly freed ourselves from the burden of assumption.
Give it a try and see what you think! How does it feel? When is it helpful? Might you want to try it again? My hope for you is that you find a richness and appreciation that wasn’t there before. Really, that’s a win-win for everyone involved, and in this day and age, that is a precious thing.
Want to talk more about this? Do you have questions or thoughts? Let me know! My door is open for a complimentary coaching consultation, which can be booked through Nurture Life or through coachbekooy. I’m here to help you sort through your perspective, your challenges, and work towards real change.
May we all be well and happy as we truly are!
