The other day I was noticing that I was feeling particularly drained. I move pretty quickly and with a lot of purpose as a general rule, which I learned to do as a single mom with a large amount of responsibility. That day, however, I just kept stopping in my tracks, or sitting down when I wasn’t expecting to. It wasn’t with relief (“oh, I get to take a minute to recuperate!”), it was more like I was a deer in headlights. What should I be doing in this moment? Why is my mind so blank? Why can’t I tell what would feel helpful right now? It was strange, and it lasted for a few days. Thinking about it, I realized that the number of important decisions I’m required to make feels like it has skyrocketed lately. Not only has the number of decisions increased, but the sense of consequence around those decisions has increased as well. It was time for me to acknowledge that I had to stop and spend some time with this feeling. The result? I started thinking deeply about the power of discernment. We need discernment now more than ever because more is being asked of us as individuals, family members, and members of society.
The definition of discernment often leans toward the religious, but outside of that, Merriam-Webster defines discernment as “the quality of being able to comprehend what is obscure.” Obscure is further defined as “dark, dim, shrouded or hidden by darkness; not clearly seen or distinguished.”
I’d say that pretty much describes how many of us feel about our inner motivations! Because our motivations are often layered by many cultural and social factors, it’s really hard to find our true feelings behind our discernment. As a result, we get heavily bogged down in internal arguments, or we find ourselves in situations we really don’t want to be in, but we’re there out of a sense of obligation (or politeness, or lack of boundaries or whatever).
There’s a wonderful book I’ve been leaning into lately called The Assertiveness Guide for Women by Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD. I’m referencing it here because I strongly believe that the rationale for ‘assertiveness’ also translates beautifully to ‘discernment’. De Azevedo Hanks talks about the Five Skills of Assertiveness, and I love the idea of applying these to how we use discernment as well.
The first is Self-Reflection: the goal here is clarity about your development, relationship patterns, how your past might still be affecting you as you make choices in the present.
Next is Self-Awareness. How aware are you of your thoughts, feelings, needs, and confidence about why you do what you do?
Then comes Self-Soothing, which centers around your ability to manage whatever intense emotions might arise. Do you become overwhelmed? Detach? Create stories that might not actually be accurate?
Number four is Self-Expression: how able are you to communicate clearly with others, especially when it comes to your needs?
Fifth and lastly is Self-Expansion. Are you open to other’s points of view? Can you hold space for those differences?
All of these factors influence how we discern what we want to say yes or no to, how far we’re willing to go with a choice we’ve made, and whether or not we feel good about the decisions and actions we’ve taken.
We make decisions almost every minute of every day, and far too often, those decisions are based on external factors. Will that person be mad if I don’t do that? Will I lose my shot at the promotion? Will my relationship suffer? Will it cause a huge disruption if I say no?
These are all factors outside of ourselves that we find ourselves trying to manage. We want to feel safe, and we’re socially conditioned not to rock the boat in order to maintain our sense of safety. The ironic thing is, if we instead look inside ourselves to find discernment, we actually tend to have much more stable external situations as well (relationships, work, parenting, politics, etc).
It’s a big change to suddenly start looking inwardly instead of externally for a sense of self and safety. For many people, it might be a full 180 degree turn. The Five Skills of Assertiveness are a great guide, but they really are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to grounding yourself in self awareness. It’s brave work, and there’s a lot more to it than a superficial glance! My hope is that this is only the start of the conversation for you. Any one of those Five Skills can be a deep dive, so I highly recommend digging in with appropriate support. With the right fit, coaching can be a wonderful option for supported exploration.
If you’d like to chat more and see if coaching with me for discernment (or a wide variety of other life topics) might be helpful for you, I invite you to book a complimentary, 20 minute consultation.The consult is a great time to ask questions, learn about coaching, and see if working with me would feel right to you. I’d love to talk more, whether you find me through Nurture Life Coaching or at coachbekooy.com. Either way, I’m here to help you find a more authentic way forward through self-aware discernment. Let’s talk and bring you greater clarity in your way forward!
