Here we are, my friends, officially in 2025. I hope it has been, thus far for you, a time of re-gathering, re-grounding, and rejuvenating. I invite you to take good care of yourselves this coming year; you are the source of all your power, and that requires nourishment! What might that look like for you? Does it involve resolutions? For me this year, it actually does. I haven’t made a resolution for many years because I was tired of them not sticking, but this year I thought of one that really intrigued me. This year, instead of resolving to be more diligent about an activity, I’m resolving to be more real with myself about a mindset. I’m resolving that 2025 will be my year to better understand my relationship with avoidance, and more specifically, the deceit of avoidance.
I’m a life coach, it’s true. I help people face their challenges all the time. I wish I could say that that means that I never avoid responsibility and I constantly dive into daunting tasks without hesitation, but my friends, that would be a lie. I’ll come clean about what it looks like when I’m avoiding a task: I sit on the couch, open my phone, and do crossword puzzles. Lots and lots of crossword puzzles. It always sounds tempting, and I’d pretty much always rather be doing that than facing my responsibilities. Sometimes it’s a totally legit thing to do; I need to either gear up for or recover from something difficult, and it can be a great way to gather myself mentally. But what else is happening on a deeper level while I’m doing puzzles? This is what I haven’t been honest with myself about.
The other thing that happens while I’m procrastinating on the couch is that I suffer. There is a pit in my stomach that grows with each passing minute. I’m mad at myself for not facing my responsibilities, I’m resentful that I have those responsibilities in the first place. I spin stories about how things should be different, and I then come back around to guilt. It’s a painful process, and it only ends when my “couch suffering” feels more terrible than the idea of getting up and doing what I need to do. The result is an unhappy cycle that repeats itself far too often. Before I know it, it has become the story of me, my days, and how I handle life’s pressures.
Here’s the crux of what I have learned: avoidance presents itself as comfort, but that comfort is actually a thin veneer over pain. The deceit of avoidance is powerfully tempting as an escape, but it isn’t an escape at all. It’s a stewing in my own stories of unhappiness.
So when I sit down on the couch these days, I get real with myself. Am I actually enjoying myself? If so, what’s the percentage of happiness to discomfort? What am I actually wanting in those moments?
Here are the answers I’ve found to be true. Through and through, true on every level:
- What I’m actually wanting is to be free of the tasks I find distasteful.
- In my avoidance, I am 10% enjoying myself and 90% feeling lousy.
- There are two situations where I truly enjoy my relaxation time: 1) after all of the unpleasant tasks are completed, or 2) when I feel proud that I’ve done a good day’s work and have a plan to continue the unfinished tasks the next day.
That last bullet point is an important one for me. It addresses the first truth: that freedom from the tasks means real freedom, and there’s one way to be free of tasks that won’t go away on their own – complete them. Damn it, but it’s true. Being on the other side of the tasks feels like real freedom, even though there’s always another task waiting around the corner.
But wait, I hear you say, how is there any freedom at all if there’s always another task? Yeah, I know. It’s fatiguing. But what I’m discovering feels like one more truth: the more I get done the more I feel capable of getting things done. The cyclic nature that the deceit of avoidance creates becomes weaker, less true, and less tempting. I truly don’t want to feel lousy, and the more I get done the less lousy it feels to get things done. And relaxing at the end of a good day’s work? Now that feels like a moment of true freedom.
We as humans “avoid” all the time, and between drugs, alcohol, the internet, media, shopping, sex, and a thousand other temptations, we are constantly steeping in a culture that is full of avoidance tactics. Whatever ways you might find yourself avoiding unpleasantness, I invite you to take a moment to dig more deeply. Is avoidance empowering you or burdening you? What is the deceit of avoidance telling you? Is it panning out?
Here’s an interesting article on Psychological Avoidance that may offer more info.
And if this feels overwhelming, or like you need support, or if you’re concerned about what you may find when you dig more deeply, please do get in touch with me. Let’s talk about your experience, what’s true for you, and where you might be needing an ally. None of this work is easy, but it’s always easier with help. Please don’t hesitate to contact me for a complimentary, 20 minute consultation to see if coaching can help you. You can also find me at my other website, coachbekooy.com.
May your 2025 be full of personal power, personal truth, and pride in the work that you do!
